Today’s post is a nod to George Carlin, the brilliant recently-deceased comedian.

Two days ago in New York state (black Friday, November 28, 2008) a Walmart employee was killed when a mob crashed through the doors of the Long Island store in a rush to start that days holiday shopping.

Here is a partial account of the incident from newYorktimes.com:

Suddenly, witnesses and the police said, the doors shattered, and the shrieking mob surged through in a blind rush for holiday bargains. One worker, Jdimytai Damour, 34, was thrown back onto the black linoleum tiles and trampled in the stampede that streamed over and around him. Others who had stood alongside Mr. Damour trying to hold the doors were also hurled back and run over, witnesses said.

Some workers who saw what was happening fought their way through the surge to get to Mr. Damour, but he had been fatally injured, the police said. Emergency workers tried to revive Mr. Damour, a temporary worker hired for the holiday season, at the scene, but he was pronounced dead an hour later at Franklin Hospital Medical Center in Valley Stream.

Four other people, including a 28-year-old woman who was described as eight months pregnant, were treated at the hospital for minor injuries.

In my book that qualifies as astonishing.

Carlin had plenty of material making fun of our crazy consumerism-obsessed culture. A lot of it was hilarious. Some of it was painful. But it usually was insightful and (should have) made you think.

I can’t help but think of Carlin’s riffs on ‘the decrepit state of the American culture’ when I read of this incident.

Carlin lamented, in biting humor and commentary, what he saw as our sad state of affairs and really a collective lapse of responsibility for what matters in this world. That included (though wasn’t limited to) paying attention, asking questions of authority, being responsible, and generally conducting ourselves like adults should.

He was especially hard on America. He thought we were becoming fat, lazy and stupid.

When I read a story about a group of people stomping a young person to death in a frenzy of shopping madness, it is hard to argue with Carlin’s point-of-view.

That, in a nutshell, is what Carlin would classify as evidence that homo sapiens are ‘circling the drain.’ That aphorism was something he referenced in a video trailer called “Too Hip for the Room” contained in the recent DVD release titled “It’s Bad For ‘Ya.”

In the video segment Carlin is straighforward and direct. He says more or less that he is convinced that we are in an inexorable decline that will not have a good ending. And he sardonically adds that he is ‘removed from it all now, no longer invested in the culture and no longer interested in any of it.’

He says that all of us are ‘born into a freak show. And those of us born in the United States have a front-row seat.’

To get the full effect of Carlin and his comedy/philosophy check out the video. Or check out YouTube and spend a few minutes on any number of subjects he irreverently skewers.

George Carlin, you were “too hip for the room.”

Does packaging ever frustrate you? It seems like it could be done better. So many items are, well, nearly out of reach. Or at least beyond easy accessibility. Or just poorly executed.

I consider myself a fairly strong guy. I have big hands, and I can tell you that I sometimes need all that strength to get things open. I don’t know how folks without a strong grip do it.

Other things are difficult in other ways.

Here are a few things that are harder to open than they should be:

1. teeth whitening strips- wow, where are they? it’s like someone decided to give them their own special kind of camouflage. Come on, manufacturer, with just a little effort these could come out of hiding. Don’t be bashful. We want you. We bought you, didn’t we?

2. string cheese- what the hell? Ok, the idea to pull apart the wrapping makes perfect sense, but the part where you (the manufacturer) fail to do your part- namely, to make the two different sides in a way I can grab onto…what gives? The packaging sure doesn’t.

I have two requests with these. I’m not asking for much:

a. I want to see the two sides, preferably without an electron microscope.

b. I want to be able to grip them without having to flick, flick, flick, flick, flick (unsuccessfully) at two wafer-thin pieces of plastic until the cheese molds before my eyes.

3. new shirts- does there have to be 35 stick pins in these?

4. cd’s- don’t even attempt these without a tool. No wonder sales are off. Sure, the wide availability of downloads is the main reason, but this packaging isn’t helping.

5. how about those plastic covers that entomb things like, oh, staplers, a new mouse for your computer, a kitchen faucet, those types of things? These plastic covers are like WORK baby. You need a Skilsaw to get into your stapler-mouse-faucet-whatever thingy. It’s like a gym workout. You need to shower afterwards.

6. how about those bags with shredded cheese? They often have a ‘peel this strip back’ design that gets you to the main zipper opening. But all too often the ‘peel this strip back’ antecedent is a disaster. You pull at the spot where it says, and the plastic gets all mucked up. I now just start with a scissor.

7. pop cans- ever notice that these cannot be opened without that one or two drop splatter? I want that fixed. Come on, we built Alcatraz and Guantanamo…we should be able to contain that renegade pop drop.

8. cereal box/bag combos- 35 years of Fruit Loops (or is it Froot?) and still no better way to split that bag at the top? Geez, ask an intern. What, is there some kind of calculation that says a million boxes opened poorly that lead to spilled contents means buyers return to the grocery store quicker?

I know there are many more but I would like you, the reader, to now weigh in on this weighty topic. Come on people, vent.  Rip this subject open!

Quick, it’s almost Thanksgiving. (oh yeah…that wire harness around the turkey’s legs!…man you almost need the jaws of life to sever that piece of steel)

I think the single-most threatening thing to our democracy is increasing irascibility and incivility in our public discourse.

The talk radio nabobs spread this coarseness daily, and inquiring minds who want to know- but can’t quite think on their own- repeat the nonsense.

Half-truths, rumors, out-of-context stories and plain old piffle gets tossed around as fact.

Thoughtful debate and real understanding are the casualties of this culture of conflict.

In her book “The Argument Culture,” Deborah Tannen shines a light on this corrosive feature of American culture and public life.

Give it a read.

They aren’t really things, just ideas. And they cost nothing. Perhaps that’s what they are worth. Anyway, here goes:

1. It was interesting to listen to international reaction to the election of Barack Obama. One thing of note was hearing South African cleric Desmond Tutu’s statement that he thought it was a good idea for Obama to apologize to the international community for the Iraq war.

I can’t quite get that one to make sense. I believe the war has been tragic, but for Obama to come in now and apologize would be, uh, well…puzzling.

Who in the international community would you direct that apology to? In what forum?

2. The Republican Party wasted no time forming a circular firing squad after the recent Presidential election. And the one big beef that seemed to be front and center? The McCain side savaging Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.

Hey guys….you picked her.

3. The news that GM, Ford and Chrysler are going to the government with hat in hand just frosts me.

Yes, in case you haven’t heard- and I’m delusional enough to assume that my readers look to jeffspad to get all the latest news- the big American automakers are now looking for big bailout money.

Excuse me, but why should we bail out GM for making crappy cars for a generation? Their poor quality was exceeded only by their incompetent management.

Now we are told that the sheer size of their labor force merits a big rescue plan. I guess the lesson inherent in this is that big and stupid gets rewarded.

Even with massive infusions of money, absent a strategy to make their company viable in the world market, what good does it do to help these guys? They have had plenty of opportunities to improve their business approach, and their track record is dismal.

Before we write these guys a blank check, consider this axiom: “you can’t fix stupid.”

4. Tonight I heard that Russia is apparently going to try to start a hockey league to compete with the NHL.

I have two pieces of advice for them:

Bring plenty of cash and buy more vowels.

5. Last but not least- It is impossible to lick your elbow. You will thank me when that one pops up in your next Trivial Pursuit competition.

I am not sure why, but I like to banter with service people I encounter. Clerks, waitresses, the check-out person at the grocery store- these are all folks that I often strike up a conversation with.

I guess most people are reticent to do this. I don’t know why. I think it livens things up sometimes.

Anyway, the other day I got in an exchange with the order-taker at a drive-up burger-doodle restaurant. I won’t mention the establishment, but let your creative side take you away as you consider the thought of ‘having it your way’ at a fast food place. And I won’t mention the town, except to say that it was very close to Mandan, North Dakota.

Oops, maybe the title gave this away already.

Anyway, when it came time to order I asked how much the sandwich alone cost- without the fries. This is a new burger in their lineup, and I didn’t immediately see it posted.

The conversation went like this:

Me: So, how much is the sandwich alone for the new mushroom-swiss-onion-cheese-onion-more cheese and more-burger?

Formless-voice-in-a-box: $4.99.

Me: Really? That seems expensive.

F-V-I-A-B: huh-huh. yeah.

Me: Would you take $3.99 for it? (My friend with me broke out in laughter at this time)

F-V-I-A-B: uhhh. uhhh. Do you want it?

Me: yeah, but it seems expensive.

F-V-I-A-B: yeah, the price just went up today. (this was a Tuesday)

Me: Really? I was going to come on Monday but didn’t make it. Can I get the Monday price?

F-V-I-A-B: uh….ok. (My friend is laughing hard now)

Me: Great!

F-V-I-A-B: Yeah. OK. Does that complete your order?

Me: No. My friend wants a chicken burger.

F-V-I-A-B: Ok. That will be $4.50

Me: Uhhh….Ok.

As we drove up to pay/pick-up, my friend and I wondered aloud how it came to $4.50, as her order alone was that much.

At the window I paid the $4.50. I then realized I hadn’t ordered a drink. So I asked for a coke.

‘Sure,’ said the clerk, and he brought me the drink.

‘here you go, just take it, I’m not going to charge you.’

As we drove away and down the road home, I started thinking about this encounter. I was struck by the thought- overcome with the thought, really- that I had probably just encountered a real, live undecided voter.

Now I know that seems a bit random, but someone as malleable and seemingly unconcerned with procedure, structure and following restaurant protocol is the type of person most likely (in my mind) to have not really formed an opinion on something as (now stay with me here) abstract as voting for President.

Why do I suggest this would be approaching an abstraction for this clerk? Because if my job consisted of taking food orders from patrons, and then collecting money for those orders, and I was not too concerned about what I actually collected for those orders…why would I care about the choice of the selection of the leader of the free world?

Maybe this is crazy logic, but I don’t think so.

As I drove down the interstate, I became more certain that this clerk was either an undecided voter or someone who was not going to vote. And I was upset with myself that I hadn’t engaged in a discussion with the guy on that subject.

This led to an imaginary interview which went as follows:

Me: Thanks for the whopper of a deal on the new burger.

Likely Undecided Voter: No problem

Me: Let me ask you something; are you going to vote for President next week?

LUV: yeah, probably.

Me: Have you decided who you will vote for?

LUV: uhhh…not really.

Me: Bingo! Damn! Wow. I am speechless.

LUV: uhhh…ok.

Me: see, I think this is so interesting. To me it’s like seeing Bigfoot. I just didn’t think something like this would be possible.

LUV: seeing bigfoot?

Me: No. Meeting an undecided voter.

LUV: why?

Me: Why? Because it is…uh, in my mind being undecided at this point is so hard to understand. I mean, the differences between the two candidates seem to be quite clear. For me it is not something I don’t….uh, understand. I am trying to be polite, but, if you can’t see the clear distinction these two candidates provide, what exactly are you thinking?

LUV: I don’t know

Me: you don’t know. Does one seem to be clearly to the left of the political spectrum and the other clearly to the right?

LUV: uh, I guess. what is your point?

Me: My point….my point is that with such clear differences between the two, how can it be possible to be undecided?

LUV: I don’t know. I guess I stay pretty busy here at my job and I don’t pay that much attention.

Me: You are pretty consumed with work? That pretty much drains all your time?

As you can see, my imaginary conversation led nowhere. And since I have missed dinner and am now starving, I am headed to a local Burger Doodle to see what kind of deal I can get.

Don’t forget to vote on Tuesday.

This is my most lightweight post to date, but I must weigh in on this issue.

See, I love football. But I need to rant. Again.

I played quite a lot when I was young. And now I enjoy watching it, although not nearly as much as I used to watch.

The problem with today’s National Football League is how choppy and interrupted the game has become.

Between regular timeouts, injury timeouts, quarter and halftime breaks, review timeouts, TV timeouts and the plague of penalties, this game has become a mess.

I think an interesting experiment would be to channel surf to a game at random intervals to see how often you ‘land’ on a game where actual play is taking place. By this I mean the following:

Turn your television to a ‘neutral channel’ (where no game is taking place) and then at various times over the next three hours (roughly the duration of the game) turn your TV to the channel of your selected game. Make the number, oh, say 20 times. Then conduct this experiment over 100 games. Over that sample set, what do you believe the % of time will be where you land on the game when there is action occurring?

My guess is that it will be right around 25%.

And that ain’t cuttin’ it, in my book.

The amount of standing around is stunning. No wonder 350 pound men can play. Hell, the amount of time they have to be moving is minimal.

Compare this to a hockey game. Or to a soccer game. These people have to actually be in shape. They run, or skate, or otherwise have to be in motion.

Pro football… Six or seven seconds of action, then play stops. And often, for a considerable amount of time.

Has anyone else out there noticed this? Why is this ok? I don’t think it is.

But, I think that league officials will be unmoved at how I feel about this. That is just a hunch.

So, dear readers, can we join together to do something about this scourge? Can we effect change in the NFL to bring it back (if it ever was acceptably fast-paced) to a place where action occurs without so many breaks?

Send me your revolutionary ideas to fix the game. I will assemble them and arrange a meeting with Roger Goodell (I think he is the commissioner) to move this issue along.

The football-watching world is waiting for us to act. Let’s get started today.

You will have plenty of time during the next timeout.

They are:

Burn after Reading and Religulous.

Burn After Reading” by the Coen brothers is an excellent movie.

I think it is accurate to say that the movie is basically about human stupidity, and some people’s exaggerated sense of self-importance

A few days later I went to Bill Maher’s movie “Religulous.”

It is also excellent, and it too is a take on stupidity, from Maher’s point-of-view. The movie is a documentary that follows Maher on his journey to dismantle what he believes to be people’s pathetically simplistic belief systems around God or whatever they are calling their religion.

I still believe in God, and my spirituality remains intact following the movie. But I like it when people ask good questions about things I consider important. And the movie was funny.

So I have no ill will toward Maher. I think he is a funny guy. And he asks really good questions.

And the fact is, he is right about most of the things he calls into question. Or at least I think he is.

But I make this distinction. My take on religion is that it is (my experience with it, anyway) a set of beliefs constructed by men as a vehicle to a kind of ultimate explanation- God, if you will. Maher takes that vehicle and drives it into the ditch, laughing while he does it.

Oh yeah, back to the distinction. You don’t really need religion to help with believing in a higher power. So while Maher wants to laugh and make fun of religion, I am able to laugh along with him. But that deconstruction doesn’t disprove God, it just points out the silly stories folks have in their religion.

I look around at the world and see things and ask where it all came from. I don’t believe it just ‘poof,’ appeared. There had to be a creation event. And something was responsible for that. Or at least I think so.

Because if Maher thinks it just appeared magically, absent a creator/creative event…then he ironically is left with an explanation as silly as the stories he is making fun of.

I think you could call that ‘hoisted on his own petard.’

Burn after Reading is delicious dark humor, served on a Coen Brothers bar. It is both subtle and outrageous at the same time. The character played by John Malkovich is hilarious. All in all, it is very…Coenesque.

I predict two things about these two movies:

1) the extreme religious right will go bonkers over the Maher movie

2) both movies will be marginal in box office receipts

Why? Because criticizing religion and subtle humor about human stupidity are not themes that probably have a lot of traction in a culture that apparently has to hear the words ‘god bless america’ (see earlier post ‘things that make you go hmmm’) at the end of every political speech and where ignorance in a candidate is viewed as a virtue by roughly half the voting population.