I think the path to salvation for mankind is connected to our ability to tap into our unconscious. The final frontier is the human mind- not the sub-atomic world, and not space ‘out there’ extending for millions of light-years.

From where I sit, the path looks pretty long.

By the unconscious, I mean that (keep in mind I am a rank amateur who professes no expertise) part of the mind that consists of the warehouse of instincts, desires, repressed thoughts, past thoughts and memories, etc. that affect our conscious thoughts and feelings, often though we are unaware of these influences.

Recently, with a group of good friends, the tool we used to tap was wine. I can’t say that we made any significant discoveries, but it was fun trying.

The effort wasn’t about anything as lofty as salvation. Maybe salvaging is more accurate, as in salvaging or saving a relationship.

As we shared stories and asked questions of one another, I was reminded of this seemingly counterintuitive truth; many of our problems are self-created. And the ones that aren’t are never ‘solved’ by blaming others.

The essence of blaming is wasted energy. Actually, it may be more accurate to say that excessive blaming is wasted energy.

As we review our life problems, and the conflict in relationships, sorting out who did what and how the other persons’ actions or inactions were unsatisfactory- assignment of fault- is normal and perhaps useful to a point.

But it doesn’t take long before it becomes wasted energy. And often an exercise in ego protecting indulgence.

The answers for difficulties reside inside us. For me, it seems like scouring my own behavior is usually the best place to start.

And I have been guilty of some doozies over the years. I have made mistakes. Plenty of them. My treatment of others has been at times shameful, both in commission and omission.

Wish I could take them back. But I can’t.

So it seems like learning why is a useful effort. And I think our unconscious holds the information that can inform and instruct. But we don’t know how to go there, are too afraid to go there (is real self-knowledge something to be feared?) or we lounge lazily in that garden of perennial delight, the blame place.

All roads (or nearly all) lead back to us.

Did you come from a family that didn’t provide the necessary ‘tools’ for life? Did they provide enough to make you strong? Or were things cold and distant? Were you ignored? In what ways were you told- maybe not overtly, but the message was there- that you were unimportant? Were boundaries weak? Were there substance problems? Did you have valuable role models, or was that missing?

For those reading this who can claim, correctly, that you were provided everything you needed- good for you.

There seems to be, however, a number of ways we reach adulthood without the tools we need. Those gaps show up in the crucible of relationship development. Sometimes they are critical deficits that bring down primary relationships, like marriages.

I am not suggesting self-blame as a solution. I am saying that wounding we experience as children from incorrect or inappropriate messages we receive (and perhaps beyond) can sometimes hinder our ability to problem-solve and overcome difficulties in our relationships. We often interpret these things as faults of the other person. Indeed, many times there is truth- or some degree of it- to that interpretation. But as a path to meaningful progress, this is not a satisfactory way. We need to look deeply at our own culpability. Bailing out with “he/she did it” is a shallow, incomplete solution. When we dig deep, we make discoveries.

The road to interpreting these things leads back to us. Find out how to do that. You will do less blaming, and more growing.

For good information about the unconscious and the richness it can provide for your life, go to THE authoritative source- Carl Jung. There’s a reason why The Beatles put him on their album (Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band) and why Sting refers to him on The Police album Synchronicity.

I will close with this little gem about ‘blaming’ from Eva Pierrakos and Judith Saly in their book Creating Union:

When people whose spiritual development is on different levels are involved with one another, it is always the more highly developed person who is responsible for the relationship. Specifically, that person is responsible for searching the depths of the interaction which creates any friction and disharmony between the parties.

The less developed person is not as capable of such a search, being still in a state of blaming the other and depending on the other’s doing “right” in order to avoid unpleasantness or frustration. Also, the less developed person is always caught up in the fundamental error of duality. From his or her perspective any friction is seen in terms of “only one of us is right.” A problem in the other automatically seems to whitewash this person, although in reality his or her own negative involvement may be infinitely more weighty than the other person’s.

The spiritually more developed person is capable of realistic, non-dualistic perception. That person may see that either one of you may have a deep problem, but that does not eliminate the importance of the possibly much lesser problem of the other one. The more developed one will always be willing and able to search for his or her own involvement whenever he or she is negatively affected, no matter how blatantly at fault the other may be. A person of spiritual and emotional immaturity and crudeness will always put the bulk of the blame on the other. All this applies to any kind of relationship: mates, parents and children, friendships, or business contacts.”

I think the single-most threatening thing to our democracy is increasing irascibility and incivility in our public discourse.

The talk radio nabobs spread this coarseness daily, and inquiring minds who want to know- but can’t quite think on their own- repeat the nonsense.

Half-truths, rumors, out-of-context stories and plain old piffle gets tossed around as fact.

Thoughtful debate and real understanding are the casualties of this culture of conflict.

In her book “The Argument Culture,” Deborah Tannen shines a light on this corrosive feature of American culture and public life.

Give it a read.

Today’s story is not about McDonald’s. It’s about forgiveness.

This is her story:

“I was pregnant with my third child and I was miserable. My marriage was a disaster and I didn’t want the baby.

My husband was absent. He gave no support. I felt alone. I felt abandoned. I was lost.

Each day I grew more disconsolate. My husband provided material things but was not emotionally available. I suspected (and was later proven correct) he was having affairs. It was a trainwreck relationship.

I hated my situation and, as odd as it may sound, I hated the baby that was inside me. There were many times when I would cry in the shower and pound my own belly in anger and rage.

My own immature response and lack of ability to cope contributed to the difficulty.

My baby was born, yet I did not feel love.

This feeling- rather, the lack of it- continued well after my baby was born. I didn’t want the child. I loved my two older children, but this was different. As the baby grew, my non-love persisted.

Later I would learn that one of my two daycare providers abused my child. I discovered this from the other daycare person. On at least one occasion, the lady put my young child’s head in the toilet and flushed it over some apparent transgression by my child. She also engaged in fondling with my four-year-old.

Time passed and I grew to love my child.

For many reasons, the baby that I had resented and didn’t love came to be the most cherished and loved son that a mother could want. I showered him with love, and each night when he fell asleep I would whisper in his ear my confessions and apologies for how I had felt.

My love for my son would grow and grow. For reasons I am only beginning to understand, I developed a parenting style with my son that wasn’t a healthy love. More than anything, it was unbalanced. Erich Fromm describes the love we give to our children as ‘mother love’ and ‘father love.’ Mother love is unconditional love. Father love is conditional love, where we attach consequences to behavior from our offspring. Both types of love can be provided by either gender. And both types are necessary for normal development.

I provided bundles of mother love to my son. But I provided no father love. Neither did his own father. This meant my son had a lack of boundaries, a lack of structure, and no consequences for his behavior.

As I am now learning, my parental behavior was informed, or guided by, my fear. I equated any kind of tough love as a symptom or indication that I was reverting back to my earlier behaviors. When attempting to teach or discipline (however lightly) my son, I would become fearful that his resistance and negative reaction to my actions would lead to his rejection of me, his ‘realization’ that I was an un-loving mother, and that I was a bad person. I feared that any kind of boundary-setting by me would lead to the loss of my son’s love.

After all, I felt I deserved it.

Sadly, ironically, this kind of parenting has hurt my son all over again. Without clear boundaries, rules, clear expectations, and all the attendant ‘father love’ conditions, my son has been harmed.  He struggles in school and I am concerned about the choices he makes. He seems to gravitate toward bad friends. While he is a loving kid that I am proud of, I also have a lot of concerns.”

My observations

The mother still feels guilt about her behavior during the child’s early years. A happy ending to this story would be for the mother to forgive herself. Only then can she reach a point where she can feel safe and secure in ‘getting in her sons’ face’ when he exhibits behaviors that are destructive.

Forgiveness is probably the most needed thing in the world today. More specifically, forgiveness of self. In our American culture, there are many people who struggle for years carrying unnecessary burdens that have their genesis in this ‘stuckness’ that comes from not getting to a place where we can forgive ourselves.

The bible makes reference to Jesus’ admonition to forgive our brother ‘seven times seventy.’ In old Hebrew, this means an infinite number of times.

This is a great big, complex, difficult yet wonderful world. I believe it is a place which daily becomes more reliant on a humanity which can find healthy ways to work, interact and live. Six billion plus people bring about a lot of imperfection. And that reality means there will be lots of mistakes. And those mistakes mean we need to forgive- and forget.

And that starts with ourselves.

What do you need to forgive yourself for? Do you need to give yourself a break today? Please do it soon. The world needs that from you.