There are exactly 13 items in my shower. Each one of them has a story, and though I have tried to think of someone other than myself to tell the stories, I have concluded that I am best suited for this epic duty.

In no particular order, here is the cast of characters:

1. bar of soap #1- it is green, it smells really good, and his name is Dial. Yes, I have assigned a gender, at least for this blogpost. Spelled backwards, ‘dial’ is ‘laid.’ Applying some imagination, with equal parts silly nonsense, and I come up with this formula; Smell good, then dial in on getting laid. (I said it was nonsense)

2. bar of soap #2- this soap is not attractive at all. It emerged from a box labeled, “wash away your sins.” The color of the soap is something akin to a four day-old bruise on your hip. Ironically, this bar of soap has been in my shower for months. It never erodes. Apparently neither do my sins. (see #1 above for a clue as to why) It was a gift from a past relationship. I think the gender assignment is male. For the soap, not the person.

3. a washcloth. It sits astride the tub faucet, performing its lonely sentinel duty guarding the about-to-emerge stream of water, waiting for the call (actually a hand) to cleanse grit and grime from all bathers who care and dare to use this now-mildewy piece of cotton that should have been washed weeks ago. Ah well, soldiers/sentinels are used to field dirt.

4. A ‘Matrix 3′ razor. This is a plain old razor that I use to shave. It is commonplace and plain, really a rather benign presence among the other items in that it is so lacking in any design pizzazz. And when I consider the name- Matrix- I cannot help but compare it to the dull, uninspiring actor Keanu Reeves who starred in the Matrix movies of years past. My Matrix razor, a dullard among my shower items, shares the same persona as the actor. I think my razor has the edge in acting, though.

5. ‘So Sexy’ shampoo. This is a pink bottle of hair shampoo that is the design antithesis of the Keanu Reeves razor- I mean Matrix Razor. This bottle looks good. It lives up to its name. I keep it (her) a good distance from the razor, as I know these items personified would want it that way.

6. A can of Gillette Foamy shaving cream. This item is the pigpen of the family of shower items. It leaves a rust circle wherever you put it. The question I have is this- don’t any of the people who manufacture this stuff actually use the product? If so, is there not one of them that has noticed this untidiness? I learned early on to tip the can over onto its head, er, cap, to avoid the unsightly rust ring that the metal bottom causes. Come on Gillette Foamy, clean up your act. I have to use extra Comet to clean off the marks when I clean. Hmmm…maybe the Comet people know the Gillette Foamy people. Is this an unholy alliance of planned pigginess?

7. A Gillette Venus razor. This is a women’s razor. It is so…female. It has lots of curves, soft ridges, and a see-through handle. It is technology with a personality. Very non-Keanu. I keep it by the ‘So Sexy’ shampoo. Of course. (I wonder if they will kiss?)

8 and 9. There is one couple in this collection. A tube of toothpaste and a toothbrush. They stay very close together. They are never apart. I can’t imagine them separately. I suspect there are enmeshment problems. But I don’t want to judge this relationship. I mean, if it works, who am I to cast aspersions?

10 and 11. These next two are shampoo and conditioner. They aren’t really a couple. I’m not sure of their status, beyond their obvious cleansing roles. What is interesting is their contents. Actually, to be more precise, the description of their contents. The conditioner says it comes with “active fruit concentrate.” The shampoo- not merely shampoo, but “fortifying shampoo”- has “nutritive fruit micro-oils.” It also says that it has vitamins B3 plus B6, with Apricot and Avocado Oil. Maybe I should be eating these items instead of pouring them on my head.

12. This is a lonely bottle of “warm vanilla sugar” shower gel. This stuff has been sitting in my shower for years. It is 97% gone, with enough left to maybe cleanse the left hip of an average-sized man. Since my bias is that men don’t usually use shower gel, I guess it won’t be cleaning any average-sized man’s hip in the future. I will let you speculate as to how much coverage remains for a large woman. Or a small one. You pick.

13. This last item is an oddity. It is aromatherapy sensual sugar scrub. The stuff looks like 30 weight automotive oil with some kind of granular debris in it. It also feels like oil. Out of curiosity I once grabbed some of it to wash. I found out what wildlife has to contend with when tankers run aground and spill crude oil into the ocean. It was a good thing I experimented in the shower, as I was a mess. It was time to get laid- uh, dial- to clean up. I have no idea why anyone would buy this stuff. I guess I should ask. It has no redeeming qualities that I am aware of, unless an odd jasmine smell accompanied by feeling greasy is your thing.

I recommend checking out your bathtub denizens.  Don’t take them for granted.  Give them their due.  They are there for you, each and every day.  Get to know them better.  Take a close look- you will like what you see.  And if you don’t- just pretend.